All Puns Intended
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
* The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
[That's a story that lens itself.]
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done