New Year Funnies
A New Year Prayer For the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,ÔÇ¿The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, ÔÇ¿And the eyesight to tell the difference.
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New Year’s Day Prayer for One and All
Dear Lord
So far this year I’ve done well.
I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.┬á But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
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Dieting – New Year Resolutions
2008: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
ÔÇ¿2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
ÔÇ¿2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
ÔÇ¿2011: I will work out 3 days a week.
ÔÇ¿2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
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A New Year’s Wish
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.┬áAs the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Lecture Tour with A Difference
On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.┬á As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.┬á ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ inquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.
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Politician in Action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.┬á But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.┬á This is my position, and I will not compromise.’
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How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.
‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds.
ÔÇ¿’I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’
‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.
‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’┬á┬á
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New Year’s Day Quotes
“New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” — Mark Twain
“One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. ” — John Burroughs
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. ” — Oscar Wilde
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New Year’s Eve Party – Phantom Guest?
Trevor’s New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.┬á During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.┬á He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. ‘You know,’ he confided to Trevor, ‘I wasn’t even invited to this party.┬á I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my drive.’┬á He continued, ‘My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.’
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New Year’s Day Party – That Never Was?
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace, Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’┬á
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A Bad Dream?
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.┬á Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.