Teacher Applicant
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone newsletter and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
You want me to do all this… and then you tell me… ‘I CAN’T PRAY?'”
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A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked to school on Friday chatting and kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
The friend said, “Well, who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcy.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much… and in the Psalm, it says…
‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.’ So I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”
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School Answering Machine
Hello!
You have reached the automated answering service of your child’s school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To stretch the truth about why your child is absent, Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do homework, Press 2.
To complain about what we do, Press 3.
To cuss out staff members, Press 4.
To ask why you didn’t get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and bulletins sent home with your child, Press 5.
To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 6.
To complain about school bus transportation, Press 7.
To complain about school lunches, Press 8.
To argue about documented test results, Press 9.
If you want us to raise your child, Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort… Hang up and have a nice day!
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Gooder Grammer
Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague (They’re old hat).
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:
“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
22. Who needs rhetorical questions?
23. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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A Professor’s Definition of a Kiss
Professor of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Professor of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Professor of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Professor of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Professor of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Professor of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Professor of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Professor of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Professor of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Professor of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Professor of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Professor of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Professor of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural; and it is applicable to all.
Professor of Engineering:
Uh, what? I’m not familiar with that term.