Senior Moments From a Man With Nine Pairs of Reading Glasses

I turned seventy-one this spring. My doctor says I’m in great shape for a man my age, which is a compliment with a trap door in it. Here are some field notes from the far side of the hill.

The Glasses Census

I own nine pairs of reading glasses. I know this because my wife, Marlene, counted them.

I have never seen more than two at once. I believe the others are out there somewhere. Coat pockets. Glove boxes. Living full lives without me.

The Garage Mystery

I found myself standing in the garage holding a bowl of cereal.

Marlene came out and asked what I was doing. I said, “Inventory.”

She looked at the bowl. No spoon. I had come out for a spoon.

We do not keep spoons in the garage.

Doctor’s Orders

Dr. Pruitt asked if I get any exercise.

I told him I go up and down the stairs twenty times a day. He said that was excellent and wrote it down.

Marlene said, “Tell him why.”

He crossed it out.

A Weak Password

The bank’s computer told me my password was too weak.

I said, “So am I. Nobody’s making me add a symbol and a capital letter.”

It asked me for a password hint. I typed, “The usual one.” It accepted that. Now neither of us knows what it is.

Tech Support From Tyler

My grandson Tyler is twelve. He set up my new phone. He said, “Grandpa, it’s easy. You just tell it what you want.”

So I said, “Call Marlene.”

It said, “Calling Marvin’s Bait and Tackle.”

I have never been to Marvin’s. According to the phone, Marvin and I talk every day now. He seems like a nice fellow. Lot of opinions about nightcrawlers.

Gary and Frank

At the church potluck I shook a man’s hand and said, “Good to see you, Gary.”

He said, “Good to see you too, Frank.”

Neither of us is Gary. Neither of us is Frank. We both figured it out at the same time, over the deviled eggs.

We agreed it was too much trouble to fix. That was three years ago. Our wives play along. The pastor has started doing it too.

The Hearing Aids

I finally got hearing aids. The audiologist said they would change my life.

They have. It turns out the birds have been singing this whole time. The refrigerator hums. The cat has opinions.

And for ten years Marlene has been saying “I love you” every morning. I thought she was saying, “Is it Tuesday?”

I’ve been answering, “No.” Six days a week. She’s a patient woman.

Reruns

Marlene and I have been married forty-six years. We’ve heard all of each other’s stories.

Last night at supper I started the one about the flat tire outside Tulsa. Halfway through, Marlene took over and finished it for me.

She told it better. I laughed at the ending. I’d forgotten how it came out.

Shoulder Injury Report

I pulled a muscle in my shoulder on Thursday.

I was waving to a man across the hardware store parking lot. Turned out he was waving at the fellow behind me. By then I had committed. I kept waving until he drove off, and something in there let go.

Dr. Pruitt asked how it happened. I said, “Friendliness.”

Census Update

We are down to zero pairs of glasses.

Marlene thinks I’m losing them. I think they’re leaving on their own, in the night, like the cat does when he thinks we’re asleep.

She asked how a man misplaces nine pairs of glasses in one month. I said I didn’t misplace them. I just don’t know where I put them. She said that’s the definition. I said I’d look it up if I could see.

The Fiftieth Reunion

The reunion committee printed our senior pictures on our name tags.

Bernice Kowalski looked at my tag. Then she looked at me. Then she said, “What happened?”

I said, “Fifty years, Bernice. Same as you.”

She said, “Yes, but I had a plan.”

The Lift Chair

I went shopping for a recliner with the button that stands you up.

I sat in one at the store to think it over. The salesman came by and asked if I’d like to try the lift feature.

I said, “I’ll take it.”

He said, “Don’t you want to try it first?”

I said, “Son, I’ve been trying to get out of this other one for ten minutes.”

Seventy-One Candles

The grandkids put all seventy-one candles on my cake. Every one.

The smoke alarm went off. The volunteer fire department came out. One of the firemen used to be my paperboy.

He helped me blow out the last six. I thanked him. Then I told him he was still late.

The Census Is Closed

Tyler solved the glasses mystery last Saturday.

All nine pairs were in the console of my truck. Right where I put them, so I would always know where they were.

Tyler asked how I could forget something like that. I told him I didn’t forget. I left myself a note on the refrigerator.

I just couldn’t read it.

That’s all for now. If you need me, I’ll be out in the truck, reading.