Here we have jokes and humor about the elderly folks in our lives… the so-called “Oldie-Goldies.” Hope you enjoy them and share ’em, too.
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,”You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,”Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that risk.”
The Old Lawyer
An old, stingy lawyer had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
George Carlin on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half.” You’re four and a half going on 5.
You get into your teens, and you simply jump to the next number. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day arrives and you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What’s wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21. You TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40. You REACH 50. Then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday…
You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. And it doesn’t end there…
Into the ’90s, you start going backward. “I was JUST 92.” Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half.”
An Elderly Encounter
An elderly gentleman, in his mid-90s, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.
I think I might never put my glasses back on.
A letter from Granny
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!”
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”… I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.
“Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
Senior Strength & Conditioning
You know how important exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few suggestions. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.
After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, I started putting a few potatoes IN the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
A Child’s View of Retirement
After the spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One youngster offered the following: “We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a nice big brick house. But, grandpa got retarded and they moved to Floriduh. Now they live in a place with lots of other Grandmas and Grandpas. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around in huge tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a big building called the wrecked center. They must have fixed it because it looks pretty good now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim. At the gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man who sits in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes though, they do manage to sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
Grandma used to bake cookies and other neat things, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, “Early Bird,” whatever that is. Some of the people can’t get past the old man in the dollhouse. So the ones that escape bring food back to the wrecked center and call it a potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says that I should work hard so I can also be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the old man in the dollhouse. Then I’ll let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”
The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” He exclaimed.
“This is My Love Dress.” She replied.
“Needs ironing,” he said.
Fairly Funny Fairy Tale
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! the husband was 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!
The Story of Creation
On the first day, God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long, suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So, God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said “Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”
The man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
SO: That is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Senior Citizen… And proud of it!
I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, Beano, and antacid.
I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
I’m very good at telling stories. Over and over and over and over.
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I’m so cared for – long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I’m positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…uh???…uh.
I’m now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors. Absolutely nothing!
If you are what you eat, I’m Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I’m in the initial stage of my golden years. SS, CD’s, IRA’S, AARP.
I’m wondering if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I’m supporting all movements now…by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I’m a walking storeroom of facts, I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.
I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN, and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!
AND REMEMBER: The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.
Andy Rooney’s Look at Life
Hey, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backward.
Let’s die first, get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. Get kicked out because you’re too young, get a gold watch and go to work. Work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy retirement. Do drugs, alcohol, party, get ready for high school. Go to grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities. Become a little baby, and go back into the womb, Spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.
AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
It has come to this. I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I’m going to work on the car. BUT FIRST I’m going to go through the mail.
Lay car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I’ll just put the bills on my desk. BUT FIRST I’ll take the trash out.
Since I’m going to be near the mailbox, I’ll address a few bills. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops, there’s only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water. I put the cup on the counter and there’s my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I’ll just put them away… BUT FIRST, need to water those plants.
I head for the door and notice someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants. BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF THE DAY: Oil in the car not changed, bills still unpaid, the cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because… I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious. I’ll get help… BUT FIRST, I think I’ll check my e-mail.
The Mouth of Babes
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
A Mature look at Life
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase, he took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “It’s the Seniors Discount.”
I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”
Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature.
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer, can’t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit, not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old … I’m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
Calling it blond is just about right.
My car is all paid for, not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer, get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches, not even a dent. Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hellbent.”
My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles, for sure, But don’t call me old: just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow.
I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I know I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running, in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old, I’m only mature.
Life’s Stages of Success
At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is…having friends.
At age 16 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is…having sex.
At age 35 success is…having money.
At age 50 success is…having money.
At age 60 success is…having sex.
At age 70 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is…having friends.
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants
• Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPPEE!
• How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, just think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• The golden years are really just metallic years: gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
• Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and blind that they don’t recognize you.
• If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
• First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
• One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.