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Bulls in the field

Ranch Jokes

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

~~~~~~~

A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: “I need to inspect your ranch for drugs.”

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: “Okay, just don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: “Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!” 

“That may as well be,” said the rancher, “But you’d better stay out of my west 40 just the same.” 

Reaching into his pants pocket, the agent removed his badge and angrily thrust it at the rancher. 

“SEE THIS BADGE?!” He shouted, “THIS BADGE means I am allowed to go WHEREVER the HELL I want, ANYWHERE! NO ASKED! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!” 

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. 

A short time later, the rancher heard loud screams coming from the west. He looked up from his work, and saw the DEA agent running for his life across the pasture, being chased by the rancher’s prize bull. 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. 

The officer was clearly terrified. 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs: “SIR!!! YOUR BADGE! QUICK, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”

~~~~~~~

A PETA activist visits a small ranch in Montana

After meeting the farmhands and inspecting the facilities, the activist asks the rancher:

“So, what do you give to the pigs to eat?”

“Well, pigs don’t need much to live. I give them scraps and food from the fridge that is almost spoilt, that sort of thing.”

“That’s a grave violation of animal rights. You are abusing those poor animals. I’m filing a complaint so you will be fined!”

After some weeks an UN ambassador visits the ranch. After checking the facilities and meeting the farmhands, the man asks the rancher:

“What do you feed the pigs?”

This time, the rancher is better prepared:

“The best food around here, eggs, fresh vegetables, whole milk…”

“What! Such a waste of food! There are children in this very country that suffer from hunger while you give full meals to pigs! I’m reporting on you so you will be fined!”

A month passes and a man visits the ranch. After visiting the facilities and greeting the farmhands he asks the rancher:

“What kind of food do you give to the pigs?”

“Look here, man, every morning I give them $5 each and they can go and eat whatever they want.”

~~~~~~~

Too much praise

Once there was a Christian guy named Bill who wanted a . On Craigslist, Bill saw an ad for a Christian so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the ’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘Amen’ to make him stop.”

Bill got on the horse and said “Praise the Lord.” the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord” and now the horse is running. But, then, Bill sees a cliff ahead and screams: “AMEN!” 

The horse comes to a quick stop… and Bill says: “Whew! Praise the Lord!”

~~~~~~~

The cowboy

A lady sees a cowboy and says “are you really a cowboy?” The cowboy says “why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup.” 

The woman says ” I’ve always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats.” The wide brim keeps the sun off’aya when it’s hot and the rain off’aya when it rain’n.” 

“Why do you all wear vests?” Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it’s cold but it leaves your arms free for rope’n and work’n.” 

“What about the chaps? ” “They keep the burrs and brambles off’a ya.” 

She says “that all makes perfect sense, but what I don’t understand is why you’d wear tennis shoes.”

“Aww, that’s easy, that’s so folks don’t mistake us for TRUCKERS!”

~~~~~~~

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to Dublin, refreshed, to catch his flight back home. In the airport, he notices a man with heavily wrapped, leprosy-ridden arms panhandling. The leper stands up and walks toward a restroom. 

Curious, the traveler follows. What he sees is both impressive and disturbing. The “leper”, as it turned out, was using a costume to mimic the symptoms of leprosy.

Shocked, the traveler exits the restroom and boards his plane. While he went to Ireland expecting natural beauty, rainbows, and medieval history, he didn’t expect to see a leper con.

~~~~~~~

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of ?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

~~~~~~~

A man goes to the countryside to hunt birds.

He spots one, aims and shoots at it. The bullet hits the bird and it falls down somewhere in the distance. 

The man immediately sets off, but when he gets to the spot at which the bird fell he notices the place is a ranch – and the farmer who owns it is holding his bird. “That’s my bird” the man tells him, but the farmer won’t give it to him.

Eventually, the farmer makes a proposition: as is the custom in these parts, the matter will be settled with a kick between the legs: whoever screams less will get the bird. The man agrees and the farmer goes first.

He prepares, then kicks the man in the as hard as he can. The man collapses and lies on the ground for twenty minutes. When he finally gets up, he gasps: “Okay, now it’s my turn”.

“Nope” says the farmer as he turns to go. “Here, take the bird.”

~~~~~~~

“What is the fastest thing you know?” the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.

Dave, the American, replied,”A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

“Hmm… let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.”

“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed”.

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light” he said.

Turning to Wang, the Guy from China, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Wang replied.. “After hearing the 3 previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is Diarrhea.”

“What ?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats..

“Oh, I can explain sir.” said Wang. “You see, the other day my tummy was feeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I already did it.”

~~~~~~~

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch…

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. 

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.” 

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” 

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable.” 

The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?” 

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly… com-for-da-bull.”

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