Thanksgiving Jokes From the Man Who Brings the Ice

Every Thanksgiving my family gives me one job. I bring the ice. I have been bringing the ice since 1979, and I believe I am finally getting the hang of it.

The Assignment

My wife, Marlene, hands out Thanksgiving jobs in October. Her sister Loretta makes the pies. Our son-in-law, Kyle, handles the turkey. I get two bags of ice.

Last year I asked if I could move up to dinner rolls.

Marlene patted my arm and said, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

The Little Red Button

Our turkey comes with one of those pop-up buttons that tells you when it’s done. Marlene doesn’t trust it. She checks it with her own thermometer anyway.

She doesn’t trust me in the kitchen either, so the button and I wait together in the den. Neither of us has popped yet.

Grandma’s Recipe Card

My mother’s stuffing recipe is written on a card in her own handwriting. I put on my reading glasses. Then I put on my other reading glasses over those.

The card said “1 c. sage.” It turns out that was “1 t.” That was the year of the green stuffing.

Nobody complained. Nobody had seconds either.

Back at the Kids’ Table

I was promoted from the kids’ table in 1971. I was sent back in 2019.

Nobody ever told me why. My granddaughter Piper says it’s because I’m the only grown-up who thinks the cranberry sauce sounds funny when it comes out of the can.

She’s not wrong. It does.

The Longest Grace

This year Piper, who is six, asked to say grace. She thanked God for the turkey, the potatoes, Grandma, Pastor Odell, her teacher, the mail carrier and every dog on our street by name.

The gravy formed a skin. Then the skin formed a skin.

When she finally said “Amen,” my brother-in-law Russell said “Amen” with more feeling than I have heard from him in forty years of Sundays.

The Turkey That Texts

Kyle bought a new meat thermometer that talks to his phone. Halfway through the afternoon his pocket buzzed.

“The turkey says it’s at 140,” he announced.

The turkey has never texted me. To be fair, neither has Kyle.

The Football Expert

Russell has watched Thanksgiving football for fifty years. He has explained every play to me.

I still don’t understand the game. I’m starting to suspect Russell doesn’t either. He cheers for whichever team just did something.

A Matter of Ice

This year I arrived with the ice. Marlene counted. “Where’s the second bag?”

It was in the trunk. By the time I remembered it, the second bag had become a different kind of bag.

I told her it was still ice. It was just more relaxed.

Aunt Bernice’s Place Cards

Aunt Bernice decided we needed place cards this year. She wrote them out in her best penmanship and set them at every plate.

Everyone else’s card had their name on it.

Mine said “Ice.”

The History Lesson

My grandson Tucker is nine and studying the Pilgrims in school. He asked me, “Grandpa, were you at the first Thanksgiving?”

“No,” I said. “I had a prior commitment.”

He asked what it was. I said somebody had to bring the ice. He looked at me like that explained a great deal.

Doctor’s Orders

At my last checkup, Dr. Pruitt told me to watch my portions on Thanksgiving.

I did. I watched them very closely. I watched them go from the platter to my plate, and I watched them go from my plate to me.

They looked wonderful the whole way.

The Pie Math

Loretta brought four pies for eleven people: pumpkin, pecan, apple and something with coconut that nobody has ever been brave enough to name.

Tucker did the math, raised his hand and asked for one.

Resting My Eyes

After dinner I sat down in the recliner to rest my eyes. I have done this every year since the Carter administration.

Piper went into the kitchen and reported to the women, “Grandpa’s eyes are resting so loud the dog left the room.”

The dog has never been a fan of my resting.

The Lost Lids

Marlene sends everybody home with leftovers. The trouble is our containers and our lids have not been properly matched since about 1994.

Pastor Odell preached once that the Lord keeps track of every sparrow. I find great comfort in that. I’m also hoping He keeps track of lids, because somebody should.

The Sunday School Answer

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, Piper’s teacher asked the class what they were most thankful for. Most of the children said puppies or pie.

Piper said, “My grandpa.”

The teacher said that was very sweet and asked her why.

“Because,” Piper said, “he always brings the ice.”

Forty-seven years on the job. That’s the closest I’ve come to an award, and I’ll take it.

Next Year’s Assignment

Marlene has already started the list for next Thanksgiving. Loretta is down for pies. Kyle has the turkey and his talking thermometer. Russell is in charge of explaining football.

I peeked at my line with both pairs of glasses on.

It says “Ice (two bags) (both of them).”

Happy Thanksgiving from my recliner to yours, and don’t worry about a thing, because I’ll bring the ice.