Church Jokes From the Fourth Pew at Tanner Creek

I have attended Tanner Creek Community Church for forty-one years, most of them in the fourth pew on the piano side. In that time I have served on nine committees, chaired four, and survived all of them. Here is what I’ve seen from my seat, offered with love and a casserole dish I’d like back.

The Mystery Dish

Lois Pruitt has signed up for the fellowship potluck under “Misc.” since 1987. Every time, she brings the same thing. It is green, it wobbles, and it has tiny marshmallows suspended in it like they were caught by surprise.

Nobody knows what it is. Nobody has ever asked. Some things at church you just take on faith.

The Thermostat Covenant

The sanctuary thermostat is set at 72. The ladies on the piano side wear sweaters, and the men on the organ side fan themselves with the bulletin. So the trustees put a locked plastic box over it.

Within a month, somebody had a key. Nobody has confessed. The trustees are praying about it. So, I suspect, is whoever has the key.

Harold’s Spot

My husband Harold has sat in the same spot, third from the aisle, for forty-one years. Last Sunday a sweet young couple got there first.

Harold sat behind them the whole service like a man watching a stranger drive his truck. Afterward he shook their hands warmly and said he hoped they’d find a church home.

“They already have,” I told him in the car.

“I know,” he said. “I just hoped it came with its own furniture.”

Softer, Altos

Our choir director, Mr. Keegan, stopped rehearsal and asked the altos to come in softer on the second verse.

Lucille Barnhart raised her hand. “How much softer?”

“Like you’re not quite sure of the words.”

Lucille nodded. “Oh. So, like usual.”

A Sermon on Patience

Pastor Dale Whitcomb announced that his sermon would be on patience. He preached for fifty-two minutes. Bernice Tolliver timed it on the watch her grandson gave her for Christmas.

At the door, Pastor Dale asked how she liked it. Bernice patted his arm. “Nobody could say you didn’t give us a chance to practice.”

Vacation Bible School

This summer’s Vacation Bible School used 800 craft sticks, four jars of glitter and two gallons of white glue. The children built forty birdhouses.

Forty-one, actually. We are now short one folding table in the fellowship hall and have one very sturdy birdhouse with legs.

The Tower of Babel

Mrs. Delphine Akers asked her second graders what happened at the Tower of Babel.

Avery waved her hand. “Everybody started talking at once and nobody could understand anybody, so they quit and went home grumpy.”

“That’s exactly right. Did your parents read you that story?”

“No, ma’am. We had it at Thanksgiving.”

Jonah’s Lesson

The next week was Jonah. Mrs. Akers asked what Jonah learned inside the great fish.

Mason thought it over. “If you don’t do what you’re told, you end up someplace dark that smells bad.”

“Mason, that’s very wise. Where did you hear it?”

“My mom. Except she says it about my room.”

The Cushion Vote

It took our congregation three years to choose new pew cushions. Half of us wanted burgundy. Half wanted navy. One man wanted plaid, and we prayed for him.

In the end we compromised on oatmeal. Nobody likes it, which is how we know it was fair.

The Prayer Chain

I sprained my ankle on a Tuesday stepping off the curb at the post office. By Thursday, the prayer chain had me in a wheelchair. By Saturday I had received three casseroles, a pound cake and a card that said “Thinking of you in this difficult season.”

I have decided not to correct anybody until the casseroles stop.

Advice for a New Usher

Clarence Mott and Herb Daniels have passed the offering plates since 1979. Clarence is eighty-eight. Herb is eighty-six and considers himself the young one.

When the Pruitts’ grandson joined the ushers, he asked Clarence for advice.

“Walk slow, son,” Clarence said. “Folks give more when they’re not sure you’ll make it back up the aisle.”

Wednesday Night Leviticus

Our Wednesday night Bible study voted to take on Leviticus. The first week we had nineteen. By week four we had eight. By week seven it was me, Earl Sutter and the coffee pot.

Earl stuck with it, bless him. Around chapter eleven, even the coffee pot quit perking.

Resting With Us

Harold says he closes his eyes during the sermon so he can listen better. Last Sunday he listened so well he made a little whistle on every breath.

Pastor Dale shook his hand at the door. “Harold, so glad you could rest with us this morning.”

The Decaf Month

Mae Ferris is the only person alive who understands the church’s forty-cup percolator. In October she went to visit her sister in Tulsa, and somebody else made the coffee.

It turned out to be decaf the whole month. Attendance held steady. Pastor Dale swears he didn’t change a thing about his sermons. Nobody believes him. They felt twice as long.

Picture Day

We’re making a new church directory. The photographer told Harold to tilt his head a little to the left and look natural.

Harold did his best. In the new directory he looks like a man who just heard a drip in the basement.

The Children’s Sermon

For the children’s sermon, Pastor Dale brought a big jar of pennies and asked who could tell him about sharing.

Brayden Hollis, age five, stood right up. “I can share!”

“Wonderful, Brayden. What would you share?”

Brayden studied the jar. “Yours.”

That’s the view from the fourth pew; if you find my casserole dish, it’s the blue one with the chipped lid.