Funny One-Liners

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It’s hard to understand why a cemetery raises its burial prices and blame it on the cost of living.

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Some people think that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

If you give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
If you teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer forever.

A Flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

The Shin is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

More Funny Thoughts

— My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
    He thought he was God and I didn’t.
— I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
— I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
— Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
— You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
— Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
— Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
— I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
— Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
— NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
— God must love stupid people; He made so many.
— The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
— Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
— Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
— Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
— Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
— Procrastinate Now!
— I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
— A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
— A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
— Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
— They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
— He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
— A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
— Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
— The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

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