Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord tak in case you need an Irish pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Englishman and Paddy the German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to have something on your back.
What would you like?” said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. They lashed him on a post and he groaned with pain. Next came the German. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” said the prison guard “Nothing” said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and winced in agony.
The guards then came to Paddy the Irishman. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” “Oh”, replied Paddy, “I’ll have the Englishman.”
Here’s an Irishman telling an American joke now…
Q. What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
A. They don’t like the Flintstones In Dubai but in Abu Dhabi do!
Ireland on lock down due to the virus
Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told…‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm, it’s SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
Murphy shouts JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT’S ONLY 5.45! Paddy replies: I Know where he lives… He’ll never feckin make it home by 6!!!
A Kerry man was over in London for a job interview. The interviewer said, “OK, you’re here for the job interview, what’s your name mate?”
The Kerry man said, “John Mulligan.”
The interviewer asked, “Oh, can you spell that please?”
The Kerry man said, “Shove your job up your arse!!”
The foreman on a building site asked the Irishman who was looking for a job “Do you know the difference between a girder & a joist?”
“Sure I do” replied the Irishman ” Goethe wrote Faust & Joyce wrote Ulysses!” (to be read with an Irish accent!)
An Irishman saw a job being advertised so he applied for it and sure enough he was called for an interview. So, he went along to the interview and the guy doing the interview asked him a few questions and the Irish man answered them expertly. “Right,” said the interviewer, “you have the job… your start off pay is a grand a month for 6 months and then it goes up to three grand a month.”
“Right,” replied the Irish man. “I’ll start in 6 months.”
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”
“Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
The Ballycashel Echo
“Is that the Ballycashel Echo?” asks Mick.
“How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?”
“Five pounds an inch,” a woman replies. “Why? What are you selling?”
“A ten-foot ladder,” said Mick before slamming the phone down