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Big time lawyer

Lawyer Jokes

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, too.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them along as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.”


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief…

“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said.
“You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“Oh my Gosh!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”


One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking lamp. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie.

The man was ecstatic.

“But there’s a catch,” the Genie continued.

“What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.

The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for”.

“Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.

“Then what is your first wish?” asked the Genie.

“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!”  POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

“Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?”

“I could really use a million dollars…” replied the man, and POOF!  One million dollars appeared at his feet.

“Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man.

“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.

“And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”


A Mafia Godfather found out that his bookkeeper had cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper was deaf, which was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather went to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brought along his attorney, who knew sign language. The Godfather instructed the lawyer; “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.” 

The attorney, using sign language, asked the bookkeeper where the money was.
The bookkeeper signed back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney told the Godfather; “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the bookkeeper’s temple, and said; “Ask him again!”
The attorney signed to the bookkeeper, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signed back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asked the attorney; “Well, what’d he say?”
The attorney replied, “He says, ‘you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.'”


God greeted two newcomers to heaven. One was a preacher, the other was a lawyer. He ushered the preacher to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion.

“I don’t understand,” the lawyer puzzled. “That man was a preacher, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you’ve said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion. Why?”

God answered… “We’ve had lots and lots of preachers, here. But you, sir, are our very first LAWYER.”


Be sure to see “Up In Smoke” in this Humor section as well



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