Lists

Don’t piss off old people… the older they get, the less “Life in Prison” is a deterrent. Have you ever listened to some folks for a minute and thought…”Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.” Teenagers! Tired of being harassed by your parents? ACT NOW!! Move Out. Get a Job. …

Walker Lamond is the author of Rules for My Unborn Son, in which he introduces this collection of traditional, humorous, and urbane fatherly. 1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them. 2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message. 3. Don’t …

Actual headlines and that appeared in newspapers across the country. Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge. He probably IS the battery charge! Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter. Say, whaaat?! Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. Really? Ya think? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down …

Perks of being over 60 and heading towards 70! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

If you can read this story without laughing, it's a cryin' shame.  It got to where I could not see through the tears in my eyes.  But, I apologize in advance for a few off-colored words.

Considering the times, some people have become half-hearted about their faith.
So, here are some standard church hymns as they may be titled today...

Amazing Grace, How Interesting The Sound

I Surrender Some
 
Fill My Spoon, Lord
 
Oh, How I Like Jesus

Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

As you travel the world over, you'll find some very interesting signs...
especially to Americans and others who speak English...

Sign on Vietnamese restaurant in Salt Lake City, USA:ÔÇ¿
Starting Tuesday, we will be closed Monday.

An Italian hotel brochure:ÔÇ¿
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Sign at a French swimming pool:ÔÇ¿
Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Saviour.ÔÇ¿ÔÇ¿

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1
Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15

Quotes made by famous people without much thought...

On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995. Here's her answer to her question...
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Heather Whitestone