Humor

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce."

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

"I will always cherish the intial misconceptions I had about you."

"Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.

English

Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

History Of The World According To American Grade School Student Exam Papers

If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a high price for maturity. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. If you must choose between two …

• GEORGE W. BUSH
  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

   

• COLIN POWELL
  Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

   

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These are from a book called "Disorder In The Court" and are things people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit - When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

-- By Danny Dutton
Written by an 8 year old from Chula Vista, CA, for his third grade homework assignment. The assignment was to explain God. I just wonder if any of us could do as well?

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.

He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

A man owned a small ranch near Sheridan, Wyoming. The Wyoming Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.