Dialogue

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
Talking Dog For Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?" the man asked.

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce."

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

"I will always cherish the intial misconceptions I had about you."

"Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

A man owned a small ranch near Sheridan, Wyoming. The Wyoming Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.

-- Unproven

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by
the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example
of 'empire building' by George Bush. Powell answered by saying, "Over
The years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and
Women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough
to bury those that did not return." You could have heard a pin drop.

-- Author unknown

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly.

This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it.

I'm talking about my annual "Guilt Trip."

I got tickets to fly there on "WISHIHAD" airlines. It was an extremely short flight.

I got my baggage, which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been.

No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport.  I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.

Supposedly a True Story -- Author unknown

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to  absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great  time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

Attributed to George Carlin

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.