Jokes

A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman walk into a bar. A fly lands in the beer of the Englishman and he pushes the beer aside and orders another. Another fly lands in the Scotsman beer, he pulls the fly out and keeps drinking. Another fly lands in the Irishman’s beer. The …

Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings. “Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!” …

Here we have jokes and humor about the elderly folks in our lives… the so-called “Oldie-Goldies.” Hope you enjoy them and share ’em, too. A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,”You can have her …

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.At one point, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the …

American Comedian from Minnesota (1968 – 2005)  WARNING: There are some off-color words in these jokes. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” “I like rice. …

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord tak in case you need an Irish pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass …

The Talking Dog A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. …

Why do we miss Rodney Dangerfield? Because... One of history's funniest comedians said this. ---- My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy some of Will's humorous observations on Life...

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman... Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

---- TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ---- TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ---- TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ---- TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ---- TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. ----