Lists

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Sit back and take a trip down memory lane... especially those of you who were kids in the 50s and 60s. Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate. Then share them with someone who missed out.

-- Author Unknown

Close your eyes and go back... Before the Internet, or the MAC... Before semi automatics and crack...

Way back. I'm talkin' 'bout...

Hide and seek at dusk. Sittin' on the porch, The Good Humor Man, and Red Light, Green Light.

Chocolate milk, Lunch tickets, Penny candy in a brown paper bag.

Be Fishers of Men.... You catch 'em, He'll Clean 'em.
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A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
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A family altar can alter a family.
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A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
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Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift!
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is Awake.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!
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Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime and steal someone else's cows and shoot the owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

A farmer has two cows.

Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.

English

Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a high price for maturity. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. If you must choose between two …

People over 40 should be dead.

-- Author unknown

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Wedding dress $5000. Wedding Tux rental-$100.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your oyster.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to  absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great  time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"