Lists

1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t …

1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria ( and Egypt ) was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. …

The economy is so bad…  I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked,  “Can you afford fries with that?” I got a ‘pre-declined’ credit card in the mail. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked  “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if …

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on..  A long while back, at a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,  ‘If GM had kept up with technology …

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. If it …

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your …

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled. Meanness don’t jes’ happen …

• Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. • Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker. • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. • …

This test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without making a mistake.  The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it. 1.  This is this cat. 2.  This is is …

In Your Senior Years, Consider This… ~ Your kids are becoming you… but your grandchildren are perfect! ~ Going out is good. Coming home is better! ~ You forget names. But it’s OK, because other people forgot they even knew you! ~ You realize you’re never going to be really …