Humor

-- Author Unknown

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

Be Fishers of Men.... You catch 'em, He'll Clean 'em.
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A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
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A family altar can alter a family.
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A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
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Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift!
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is Awake.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!
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Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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True Story: Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshoredrilling rigs.

Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one). Anyway,  anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy...

Hi, Sue,

-- Anonymous

Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

A True Story by Chris

My first wife used to cover me with red lipstick kisses before we made love. I must admit, it really turned me on. I would watch her applying it while standing in front of a mirror. After finishing, she would turn to me and begin kissing me all over my face and neck.

One night we had a terrible argument after having too much to drink at a party. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but she had bruised my male ego.

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.

The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER : Tommy, do you see the tree outside?ÔÇ¿

TOMMY : Yes.

ÔÇ¿TEACHER : Tommy, do you see the grass outside?ÔÇ¿

TOMMY : Yes.ÔÇ¿

TEACHER : Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.ÔÇ¿

TOMMY : Okay. (He returned a minute later) Yes, I saw the sky.

ÔÇ¿TEACHER : Did you see God?ÔÇ¿

TOMMY : No.ÔÇ¿

One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an HR manager make it this far and we're really not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime and steal someone else's cows and shoot the owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

A farmer has two cows.