Dialogue

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.  The banker pulled out the loan application.“What are you going to do with the money?” he asks the Indian. “Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it,” was the response. “What have you got for collateral?” “Don’t know collateral,” replied the Indian …

Why do we miss Rodney Dangerfield? Because... One of history's funniest comedians said this. ---- My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Perks of being over 60 and heading towards 70! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy some of Will's humorous observations on Life...

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman... Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. …

A not so true story, but an astute observation nonetheless… One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life… that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, …

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a small, pink "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary...

In his beautiful book, “I Shall Not Want,” Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could …

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.