TEACHER: Why are you late?STUDENT: Class started before I got here. —- TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.MARIA: Here it is.TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?CLASS: Maria. —- TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to …Read More »
Walker Lamond is the author of Rules for My Unborn Son, in which he introduces this collection of traditional, humorous, and urbane fatherly. 1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them. 2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message. 3. Don’t …Read More »
Alabama Fishing A good ol' Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says... "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it." His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin.' What does it look like I'm a doin'?"Read More »
Remember... it takes a college degree to fly an airplane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."Read More »
Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
These are from a book called "Disorder In The Court" and are things people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
You will feel better about yourself when you read this...
IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. …Read More »