Jokes

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,  ‘Jesus knows you’re here?’  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook …

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. If it …

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your …

Joe’s had headaches. The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will require castration.   You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.” The only way …

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, and he turned to her and asked, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.” The little girl, who was drawing some pictures, replied to the total stranger, …

Tom is 71years old and loves to fish. Tom was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,‘Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating …

From a friend of mine… a retired police officer… and, he says… As a law enforcement officer, I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a meth lab.Following are four photos. I think it’s pretty obvious which one is the meth lab… I hope this helps. Share …

You just have to appreciate this one.  Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired ~~ Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, …

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his …

In these strange times of self-quarantining, like many others are during this world-wide novel coronavirus pandemic, we must bite our lips and endure… Day 1 – I can do this!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!  Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear …