Humor

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her …

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’  ’98,’ she replied… Two years older than me’   ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented…   She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’ ~~~~~~~ Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old …

Question:  How many days in a week?   Answer:  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday  Question:  When is a retiree’s bedtime?   Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.  Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?   Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.  Question:  …

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,  ‘Jesus knows you’re here?’  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook …

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. If it …

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your …

Joe’s had headaches. The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will require castration.   You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.” The only way …

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled. Meanness don’t jes’ happen …

A MOTHERS MOTTO: You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” — Unknown “If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.” — Abigail Van Buren (‘Dear Abby’)“Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother’s …

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, and he turned to her and asked, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.” The little girl, who was drawing some pictures, replied to the total stranger, …